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Anyone with children understands the phrase “tough love”. Doing what
is in the best interest of our children isn’t always something they
agree with or even understand. But love really becomes tough when
the parent/child roles are reversed as our parents become elderly.
Knowing how to respect their freedom, maintain their dignity and yet
protect them from themselves is a tricky balancing act at best. At
worst, it can become a major confrontation, involving heated
arguments, broken relationships and legal action.
Such is the situation facing one of our readers. She writes: “My
mother is 76 and was diagnosed with Dementia a couple of years ago
after the death of my father. We had assumed that her strange
behavior while he was dying was from stress, when it continued after
his death we had her tested. Neurology revealed heaps of mini
strokes and perhaps water on the brain.
“Recently a woman who has previously milked large sums of money and
a vehicle from my parents reappeared on the scene. My mother had had
an aversion to this woman, and the entire family was very concerned
with the renewal of acquaintance…my mother having now forgotten the
things that had previously upset her. We have tolerated her
occasional visits, because my mother was so angry when we suggested
the woman might not be good company…but something happened this week
that has badly upset us.”
Our reader goes on to describe in detail how this dubious woman, who
happens to be a long-haul truck-driver, talked her elderly mother
into riding along on a two-week road trip, sleeping in her
18-wheeler. The woman lied to the family about where they were
going, and even bragged that the mother was thinking about changing
her will. With the mother’s numerous health problems, our reader and
her family were obviously concerned about their mother’s safety,
especially when Mom called home from a state hundreds of miles from
where they were supposed to be going.
The situation has gone from bad to worse, as this woman has managed
to turn the mother against her children. These are responsible
children who used to have a wonderful relationship with their
mother. She relied on them for advice on everything. They even have
power of attorney for assets and medical decisions. But these
documents don’t give them the ability to protect their mother from
herself or those wishing to take advantage of her.
And that’s the rub, not just for our reader, but for every adult
child of an elderly, declining parent. Even if they have a living
trust, even if they have given you powers of attorney for assets and
medical decisions, even if your name is on their checking account,
you still can’t protect Mom or Dad from making terrible decisions.
Yes, you want them to remain independent and you want to honor their
wishes. Parents should be able to make their own decisions for as
long as possible, even decisions you might not agree with. But
there’s a difference between respecting their dignity and allowing
them to become victims of their failing competence.
The problem is knowing how to handle this “in-between” period
between competence and total incompetence. Our reader makes this
point vividly: “(Mom) is vulnerable. We want to protect her, but it
appears we can’t until she is drooling in a wheelchair.”
So what is our reader to do? The bottom line is that the children
don’t have the legal authority needed to adequately protect their
mother. They need to be legally responsible for her ‘person’. They
need to become her court appointed conservator.
The thought of getting attorneys and the courts involved may seem
harsh. But it may be necessary. During the process, there is an
attorney appointed to represent the mother. She is given
psychological and physical exams designed to determine her
competance. Someone else is only granted conservatorship if the
court agrees that she isn’t able to adequately care for herself.
This process protects the rights of the parent even though the
parent may not be in a position to protect themselves.
Dealing with failing parents is very difficult to say the least. In
certain situations, though, it takes tough love to do what is in
their best interest, even if they don’t agree with you or
understand.
Nationally-syndicated financial columnist and Certified Financial
Planner® Jeffrey Voudrie provides personal, in-depth money
management services and advice to select private clients throughout
the USA. He’ll answer your financial question – FREE at
www.guardingyourwealth.com. |
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